Every year that I organize DT I have this “problem.” I get into the swing of things; working, getting people excited, seeking God for what he wants to do and then, seemingly out of nowhere, I’m hit with this question…
“Why am I doing all of this again!?”
It’s never been something where I’ve questioned whether God is worthy or not, or whether the people I’m serving are worth my time. I’ve even noticed that its not just something that happens in the context of David’s Tent, but a question that makes its way into pretty much anything I put my mind into doing. It would be more understandable if it only happened during moments of weakness or doubts, but it doesn’t. In fact, sometimes it happens when I feel like I’m strongest and most focused. Because of this, I’ve started to take a different angle and not see it as a problem or distraction but embrace that it might be something God is trying to speak to me.
It’s always been a bit hard for me to reconcile how we view the Presence of God today as opposed to how it was viewed in the past. Nowadays we many times base God’s Presence on our feelings of the fullness of love, peace, and other fruits of the Spirit. While this is true, it’s also true that the same Presence we speak of today is the same in years past that terrified nations, humiliated kings, and even brought death amongst the ungodly.
There was a point earlier this year where I remember feeling a bit off during worship from how I normally felt, and God told me that, even though we take part in the New Covenant, there is still death in his Presence. I didn’t quite understand what he meant at the time, but recently I think God has been reveling more about it.
I’ve realized what bothers me the most about the question I mentioned at the beginning is that it challenges how I expect God to affirm what I’m doing and uncovers a fear I have that says if I experience death in the process then I’ve failed. It could be the death of a project that I’m working on or just the death of something inside of me that’s changing as seasons change.
I’m not sure why I’m so afraid of this because Jesus talks about it all the time and makes it very clear that to find life we also have to embrace death. For a seed to bear fruit it must die (John 12:24). To find life you have to lose life (Matt. 10:38,39). I think why it makes me uncomfortable is because that while our generation has had profound revelations on Father God, sonship, and inheritance, we have the tendency to see it as primarily self fulfilling instead of primarily God glorifying. While the gospel of Jesus empowers us more than anything and gives us access to our inheritance it doesn’t entitle us to determine how God uses us.
We speak a lot about trying to find what will make us come alive and what will give us the greatest opportunity to use our gifts and calling that God has given, but we can’t forget that our abundant life is not found in what we do, but found in who we know. Jesus Christ isn’t just the giver of life, he is life himself.
To know him is why I’m doing what I do, and every time I forget this (and even sometimes when I don’t) God in his grace questions me and makes sure that what can be shaken will be shaken and what can die needs to die. If we allow God, what can be brought to life will be brought to life.
God give us the grace for a moment to lay down the projects you’ve given us
To shift our focus from what we’re doing to who you are
Let us not ignore the life you want to give because of the death that might accompany it.
Let us not shy away from something new in fear that we might lose something old.
All we have is yours, our gifts, dreams, plans and relationships
Use us how you wish and let us walk in more confidence of what you speak.
‘It challenges how I expect God to affirm what I’m doing and uncovers a fear I have that says if I experience death in the process then I’ve failed… I’m not sure why I’m so afraid of this because Jesus talks about it all the time and makes it very clear that to find life we also have to embrace death.”
This is good. All too often I forget the truth of what Christ says, “to find life we have to lose it.” My pride, insecurity, and lack of understanding of the fullness and complexity of who God is overshadows the little ways he is trying to lead and guide me and I tell myself if God doesn’t affirm what I am doing then I have failed. That’s so not true! Ah, thanks Allan for reminding me.
Thanks Drianna! I had written this a couple weeks ago and felt convicted reading it again after I posted it! I think the fullness of God has to be one of the most wonderful and terrifying things to dwell on!
so good. I have this same ‘problem’